That Waitress Deserved a Bigger Tip...

This blog has been pretty neglected... I don't mean to.  I have intentions of writing more, but most days I just feel like everything is... ordinary and not particularly interesting.  Plus, most evenings my brain just wants to shut off, watch some Grey's Anatomy and drink a glass a wine.  

Today is turning out not to be one of those days...

Let me set the scene.  I've been solo parenting this week, so I took today to be "kid free" and get some errands run and recharge a bit.  I dropped the kids off at their old day care and did what needed to be done.  Fast forward eight hours or so, I head back to pick them up.  It's rush hour by that time, so I decided to take the kids out to dinner and wait out the traffic.

We head over to Applebee's because I know that a) there is rarely a wait for a table, b) it's never too crowded so I doubt loud kids will annoy too many people, and c) they have "low cal" menu options for me... and d) I like to be waited on when I have the chance to be.  =)

Our waitress gave me a knowing smirk when we were seated and asked if I wanted a margarita.... really wish now that I would have taken her up on that.

We got our drinks, ordered our food, and everyone, for the most part, was doing a-okay.  I was actually starting to pat myself on the back a bit at how smoothly the evening in a restaurant, with two kid, by myself was actually going.

Our waitress brought us out our food, and Emily proceeded to pull the corn off her dog in her usual way, when Sam started to make a noise.  I look over at him, not yet taking a bit of my own dinner, and see that he his puking.  A lot.  All over the place.

His high chair, his clothes, the carpet beneath his chair... all covered in yogurt-y looking vomit. Tinged, I'm sure, but the milk that he was sipping on prior to the incident.  Quickly I get a server's attention, tell her that we need to go containers and that he had just been sick.  Containers and a wet rag swiftly appeared at our table.  I sat there, trying to figure out how to get my son cleaned up, with his bile already on my hands, and somehow get our food packed up... thankfully I had a lot of hand sanitizer in the diaper bag, and a 4 year old that was willing to help (though her idea of packing up her yogurt also included stealing the serving dish that it was presented in. lol).

Finally I got the bill paid, both kids and food out to the car.  Sam got a quick change of clothes, and a prayer that he wouldn't throw up on the way home.  For the next 30+ minutes I sat in (not horrible, thank God) traffic with the scent of puke and Applebee's take out wafting through our car.

Getting home, Emily had fallen asleep.  She can be... challenging... to wake up, and tonight was no different.  I finally got her on her feet, and when to get Sam and our food.  Thankfully nothing extra had occurred.

Everyone got inside, I set our food down on the kitchen counter, and Sam started to heave again.  I tried to hold him over the kitchen sink, but he wanted nothing to do with that... he wanted to bury his face in my warm sweater and empty his stomach.

When he was done, I asked Emily to get herself a spoon so that she could finish her dinner, and I took Sam upstairs to give him a quick bath.  I got him in the tub (and sat there with him, topless, with my now-disgusting sweater thankfully removed) and he acted like nothing was amiss.  Like, "yeah!  I love baths!"  I really don't understand kids sometimes.  After a few minutes he stood up, said, "All Done", and I wrapped him up in a big towel, got him into his jammies, read him a book and put an almost-passed-out little man to bed.

I came downstairs to clean up and check on Emily, and found this...

She got the spoon that I told her to...

So, I cleaned up some puke, got the gross clothes from the car (how do I get that smell out?) and started a load of laundry.  Then I carried Emily upstairs and put her to bed.  Generally, both kids in bed and asleep before 8:00 would be cause for celebration... but currently I'm just worried.  Sam has already woken up once heaving.  Not sure what the rest of the night is going to bring.

I've washed/sanitized my hands about a dozen times so far... I can't get sick.  I'm photographing someone's wedding this weekend... I can NOT get sick...

Beware of Bronchitis

There were two thing that I had planned/hoped to write about before the end of 2015... the adventure of purchasing our second home (hoping to get to this soon!) and my 3-day stay in our local ICU.  Unfortunately, neither of these got written and posted in time to make it into my 2015 blog book (which I ordered today!), but better late than never, right?

On September 13th I headed to the beach for a work related conference.  I was SOO looking forward to three nights of "mommy vacation" in a quiet room and a bed to myself.  Plus, this was my third trip to this conference, one that I have enjoyed every year, so I was pumped.

I arrived at the hotel, checked into my room, headed to the restaurant to grab some dinner and a glass of wine, and started to feel a bit "blah".  Thought for sure that I'd just picked up another daycare cold and that I'd suffer through it.  The next day, Monday, I felt awful.  I made it through the day, but left the last session early to go rest.  I ordered room service for dinner.  A bowl of clam chowder and a roll... which would last me for the next two days of meals.

Sick in my beautiful, coastal hotel room

Tuesday I went down to the conference for breakfast, but had to leave about half an hour into the first keynote session... and spent the rest of the day in bed with what I'm assuming were chills and aches from a fever.  Wednesday morning I didn't even try.  I just got out of bed, packed up my stuff, and drove home... hoping that I could make it back safety.

On Thursday I went to the doctor.  He looked, listened, etc, etc. and told me that I had Bronchitis.  He pretty much told me that I had to suffer through it and that it would go away eventually.  BUT if I got symptom A, B, or C to come back.  I never got any of these additional symptoms, but by Monday I was still feeling AWFUL.  I could barely move, I had an awful cough, I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep all day.  By this point I had been out of work for a week.  My daughter was getting a bit scared (she cried one morning and told my husband how much she missed her mommy).  So, that morning we dropped off the kids at daycare and I had Jacob take me to Urgent Care for a second opinion on this whole Bronchitis thing.

I don't know how long we waited in the waiting room.  As I mentioned, I just wanted to sleep.  I may have very well fallen asleep.  Everything around this stage in the story is a bit foggy.  When we were called back they did the usual scale, blood pressure, check oxygen level thing... but something wasn't right.  They checked my oxygen twice (I think with two different devices) and then called an ambulance.  With in minutes I was hooked up to an oxygen tank, in a hospital gown, on a gurney in the back of an ambulance headed to the ER.

Turns out that I had developed pneumonia and was in "respiratory failure" (this bit was not made clear to me until after I was released from the ICU).  My oxygen levels were in the mid-80% range.  Hospital staff refused to let me move for about 24 hours as every time I did my levels decreased.  I had a nose tub oxygenation device AND a face mask for the first day/night.  The doctor told me that if my levels didn't increase that they would have to intubate.  I took LOTS of deep breaths after that point and thankfully it never came to that.  But that first night was awful.  I couldn't sleep with all of the oxygen being pumped into my nose and mouth.  Plus I still had a horrible cough and "waking up" coughing in the middle of the night with a mask on your face leads to some real claustrophobic type of feelings.

View from the ICU

By the middle of the second day I was off of the face mask and finally walking around a little bit.  My oxygen levels had reached the mid-90% range, but I still had to wear my nose tubing while they slowly decreased the amount of oxygen that was getting pumped into me to make sure that my lungs were fully capable of working on their own.  The second night I only had to "sleep" with the nose tubes.  I was thankful.

Day three, I started walking up and down the halls with my nurse.  The nose tubes were removed and I was steadily breathing on my own again.  My oxygen levels stayed up there and so that doctors agreed that I could be discharged from the ICU and moved to a "regular" hospital room... where I spent my last night and got to take a shower (Hallelujah! I will never again to Urgent Care without taking a shower first!).

I was discharged the following day (Thursday) and was pretty much on bed rest for another week.  In the end, I was out of work for 3 weeks... and probably should have stayed out longer.  It took much more time than that for my lungs to strengthen up again (I had to skip another 5k that I'd signed up for, and put my workouts on hold for about 2 months while I recovered), plus, I lost about 15 pounds... in a week... and was really, really weak.  I have also been told that now I am more susceptible to developing pneumonia in the future, so that I have to be extra careful and cautious when I get ill.  I may end up buying myself one of those finger tip oxygen reader things... I don't want to ever repeat that experience again!

Goodbye hospital bed!

I was so thankful for Jacob and our child care provider during this whole process.  Jacob worked remotely from the hospital room in the mornings and then went to the office in the afternoons... and then came back in the evenings.  Our daycare provider kept the kids for two overnights so that Jacob could be there with me.  I was so thankful for that.  It gets pretty lonely in the ICU, especially when you don't really know/understand what's happening to you or how bad of a situation you are in.

When the nurse in my "regular" room told her colleague at shift change that I had been "admitted in respiratory failure" I'm sure that my heart skipped a beat.  I hadn't known that things were that bad... seeing an 80% reading on an oxygen monitor doesn't mean anything to a lay-person... at least, not to this one.

Hypocrite Much? ;)

As I'm sitting here in a coffee shop eating a chocolate chip-raspberry muffin and drinking a brown sugar chai, I think this may be the appropriate time to talk about my weight loss and fitness progress and goals.  ;)

I have battled with my weight for YEARS.  I like to blame it on my kids/pregnancies, but that is by far not how/when it started.  In all honesty, I think it started when I finally found myself feeling safe, comfortable and happy (ironic, huh?)... when I was in my mid 20s.  (It may have started earlier than that, but thinking back and seeing myself in pictures in high school/college/graduation/etc, I didn't start to balloon until after I graduated from college).  I have discovered that my body is REALLY good at gaining weight.  But it's also pretty good at losing it... thus lots of fluctuation over the years (and lots of piles of pants that are either too big or two small in my closet).

When I got my first job post-grad school I was at my highest weight.  I hated to admit the numbers on the scale and mostly just ignored them (and had been doing so for months--maybe years--I'm sure).  My now-husband had also proposed to me just a few months prior to this point, and I knew that I wanted to drop some inches before my wedding day.  So, I did.  Between a counting calories routine and getting some exercise (though more of the former and less of latter, to be honest), I dropped 30 lbs in 8 months.  My dress had to be altered a lot (and the seamstress even commented on the fact that I bought too big of a dress size... I told her it was my "fault" for dropping the weight).

When I got pregnant roughly a year later, I was only up about 5-10 lbs from wedding weight... but then I gained a TON during pregnancy (too many brownies) and my daughter wasn't nearly chubby enough to take the bulk of it with her.  ;)  About a year after she was born, I was at my NEW highest weight (by about 15 lbs, I think) and felt awful.  So, I started the food diary/calorie counting routine again and started to (attempt to) work out again.  I'll tell you though, working out with an infant/toddler at home after working 40 hours/week is REALLY difficult, both emotionally and physically).  

By February 2014 I was down roughly 25 lbs, had just fit back into my pre-prego jeans, was 5-10 lbs away from pre-prego weight (and about 15-20 lbs away from wedding weight) and was feeling pretty awesome!  And then, I found out that I was pregnant with my son.  FANTASTIC news for my husband and I and our families, but terrible news for my body.  As I mentioned before, my body is REALLY good at gaining weight.

With my son, I stopped paying attention to the scales at the doctor's office.  I tried to be "good" with my eating and only had MAYBE one or two chocolate milkshakes the entire time!  But, I still gained a lot of weight (much more than the "recommended" amount) and, after my son was born, I was right back to the beginning in terms of my post-prego weight loss with my daughter.  Only, this time, I had a goal... by my son's 1st birthday, I wanted to have dropped the weight!  So, I kicked my own ass into gear!

In May I joined a "Biggest Loser" challenge with a group of local moms.  It was great to have the weekly food and exercise challenges, as well as the encouragement from others.  In the 8ish weeks that the challenge occurred, I dropped roughly 13 lbs.

During the last 4 weeks of the challenge, the weather was started to get nicer, earlier so I started (again, for the third time) the Couch To 5k (C25k) running program.  I would go in the mornings before work (hello 5:30 am) and go for runs... something that I was NEVER good at, and always HATED... before now, and before I saw the weight loss results that running could have!  After the end of the Biggest Loser challenge I continued the C25k program and signed up for another 5k (I signed up for one with my sister in law at the beginning of the summer, but don't really count that one as I walked the majority of the course).

I had a new goal... no longer was my goal to "lose weight", but rather to RUN a 5k.  And I was determined to do so by the race in August.

And I DID IT!  Not only did a RUN the entire thing, but I took something like 11 minutes off my time from the first (walked) race... and finished in the middle of my age division.  Did you hear that?  The MIDDLE!  Not the END!  The amount of pride that I felt in myself was unbelievable. And, as an extra bonus, I'd lost another 10 lbs or so.

I decided to sign up for another 5k a couple months later, in early October.  I continued to run with a goal to improve my time and do it for enjoyment (running on the beach is awesome!)

About a month in, something totally came in and ruined my plans... I got pneumonia.  I was hospitalized for several days (more on this later) and it just completed kicked my butt and knocked me out.  It was absolutely awful (more on this later)  That being said... I lost about 15 lbs... in less than a week, and found myself at pre-prego weight before little man's 1st birthday.  Silver lining?

Though I was down pounds-wise, I didn't feel strong anymore.  I felt so, so weak..

It's been almost 2 months since I was discharged from the hospital.  I have gained back about 6 lbs (I am ok with that for now, as I know that my body wasn't ready to lose it), and just started running around last week.  I have signed up for a 5k in March and am looking forward to the cold, wet asphalt and my ability to, once again, see my body in action and feel strong and accomplished.  Also, hoping to get back down to pre-Sam weight, followed by pre-Emily weight, followed by (dare I say?) wedding weight.  ;)

Adventures in Sleep Training an Infant with a Sick Toddler in the Next Room

The title kind of sums up my weekend.

Sam is 5 months old... and was waking up regularly every 2-3 hours throughout the night.  I would nurse him, but it was obvious that he wasn't really eating anything.  For the last couple of weeks I have just been waiting for a mellow weekend with no plans so that we could dedicate some time to sleep training/night weaning.  I just wasn't sure how to do it with a toddler in the next room...

The plan that Jacob and I came up with was that we'd put everyone to bed as normal around 8:00 (Sam goes to bed just fine, it's the waking up that's the problem).  If/when Sam woke Emily up, the plan was to move her to the couch in the living room at the end of the hall, hoping that would distance her enough from the noise and she could get some sleep.  Here's what actually occurred:

8:00 - Sam goes to bed with a little bit of whining, but is out within 5 minutes.
8:15 - Emily goes to bed... and by "goes to bed", I mean that I leave her room and close the door... we never really know what she's going to do in there.
8:45 - Emily comes up crying that she fell out of her bed.  I put her back to bed and tuck her in.
9:30 - I hear coughing, and then crying.  Jacob goes to check on Emily, sure enough she's puked all over her room.
9:32- Jacob takes Emily into the bathtub for a quick spray down while I try to clean partially digested hot dog out of a white shag rug.
9:40- Jacob bundles Emily up in a blanket and helps me with clean up.
10:00 - Put Emily back to bed, and tell her that, if she needs to throw up again, the toilet is an excellent place to do so.
11:00 - I can't keep my eyes open any more... Sam should be up soon, but I'm fading fast.  Jacob agrees to take the first "shift".  I go to bed.
11:45 - I hear Sam crying and Jacob going in to him... then I hear more coughing and crying... then I hear Jacob scurrying around... then I hear Sam crying... then I decide to get up and help.
12:00 - Sam's gone back to sleep, I'm tucking Emily and Jacob in on the couch in the living room with a big bowl next to her head (Jacob decided to sleep on the couch with her in case she got sick again).  This last time she threw up she must have heaved a few times... and ultimately ended up in the toilet (she listened!  Just too bad she threw up twice on the way there.. lol).
5:30 - Sam wakes up, I go in to feed him, he goes back to bed.
7:30 - The day begins.

Annnnddd... it just occurred to me that these were the events of Saturday night... we actually started on Friday. lol  See?  I'm exhausted!  So... back tracking to Friday... I went to bed and Jacob did everything.  He stays up super late any way, so he took care of "progressive waiting" until 2:30 when he came to bed... and it wasn't that bad.  I think Sam was ready for it just as much as we were.  He did wake Emily up, and she did end up sleeping on the couch.

Sunday Sam slept until 3:30 and then decided that he didn't want to be asleep... or awake for that matter.  He was just whining in his crib with his eye closed.  I think it probably took about half an hour for him to fall back asleep, though, he was not really crying... just the whining.

Monday morning I woke up feeling a little "off".  My stomach was bothering me.  I dropped the kids off at day care and then came home with the expectation that I'd work from home... that didn't happen.  By 11:00 I was back in bed (between visits to the bathroom) and didn't really get horizontal again until Jacob and the kids got home around 6.  Yay for day care germs.  =(

When Emily got home, though, she did ask me if I wanted a stuffed animal and then played a "song" on the piano to make me "feel happy".  =)

My Truth About Breastfeeding

I have been lucky to be able to breast feed both of my babies.  I know that not all women are able to do so for a variety of reasons.  I also know that the social pressure and the "breast is best" motto has really got to hurt when you are unable to do so... and are unable to afford the high cost of donor milk (20-35k per year).  Mommy guilt sucks.  Mommy guilt also sucks, big time, if you don't WANT to breastfeed... which is the category that I fall into.  I struggle daily with my desire to wean/supplement with formula and my guilt around giving my kids what's "best" and taking for granted something that other mothers would love to be able to do.  But please, hear me out.  Here's what I have heard (and continue to hear) about the positives of breast feeding... and my take on the situation:

"Breast is best"/Breast milk is better for your child than formula --  I'm not going to argue to the science here.  Breast milk has been shown time and time again to have more health benefits, both short and long term, than formula does.  However, that being said, my children are not going to be mutated, fat, stupid and lazy if they are given formula.  Jacob and I were both formula-fed babies, and we are both well-adjusted, intelligent adults living very happy lives.

Breastfeeding is convenient.  HAHAHAHA.  This one, in my mind, is truly laughable.  Yes, it may be easier to whip out a boob than to put water in a bottle and mix it up with some formula, you don't have to carry as much around in your diaper bag and you don't have to do any sort of pre-planning in terms of feeding... HOWEVER (and please remember, as the title said, these are MY truths) it would be so much easier to bottle feed a baby while trying to grocery shop, while your partner is driving the car on a road trip, when you're at a social function with (non-nursing mom) friends and family (pulling my boob out in front of my father-in-law doesn't equal a good time in my book), etc. etc.  Additionally, if you breastfeed you have to plan your wardrobe around the activity... I am constantly having to think about what shirt/outfit will allow me the easiest access to my chest.  Want to wear a cute, high necked dress?  Not going to happen unless you want to retreat to a private place and get undressed every time you need to feed the little one.  Don't want the entire world to see your baby-flab tummy?  Gotta wear multiple layers so you can pull one up and one down and keep your mid-drift covered.  Final note on the "convenience" point, pumping breast milk at work is, like, the complete opposite of "convenient".

Nope, actually, I have one more thing to say about this one... sleep.  As a breastfeeding mother, when my baby has to eat.  It's up to me... day or night.  Sure, my husband could give the little one a pumped bottle, but guess who had to pump that bottle, and who will need to pump again in order to keep up supply/relieve the pressure from that missed feeding?  Waking up every 2-3 hours for months at a time, I do not feel the lovey, dovey warmth that I am told that I should feel as I breastfeed my child... I feel tired, stressed and often resentful of my sweet child who needs the nourishment, my husband who's sawing logs in the next room (and well rested in the morning) and my toddler who has so much energy and just wants her mommy to play with her during the day.

Breastfeeding is cheaper that formula feeding.  OK, so this one is pretty legit.  It's much cheaper to produce something for free than to hand over tens of dollars for cans of formula.  However, there are expenses involved with breastfeeding... nipple pads so you don't leak out of the left boob while feeding from the right, creams and gel pads to soothe tender areas, nursing bras/tanks/shirts/etc., breast pump, and the 30 bottles you may have to purchase to figure out which one is the most shaped like your nipple so that you're little one will take a bottle while you're away at work (Dr. Brown's, if anyone is curious).

Breastfeeding is great bonding time for mom and baby.  So... if you don't breastfeed you don't bond?  I call bull shit.  I don't feel like my bonding with my children came during feeding times.  I was too tired and had my eyes closed at 2 AM or they were asleep (though, of course, NOT at 2 AM when I wanted them to be) or staring off into space.  My bonding came from rocking them in my arms, making funny faces and coo-y noises at them, dancing around the living room and just spending time together.  I can also tell you, for a fact, that my husband did not bond with our children due to breastfeeding.  ;)

If done correctly, breastfeeding doesn't hurt.  Again, BS.  Breastfeeding, even when the latch is 100% correct can still hurt... just maybe in different ways.  Even now, 4 months into my second kid, my let down still stings a bit.  Ever since my first was a few months old, my chiropractor has become my best friend.  I constantly feel physically drained, nutrient deficient and dehydrated... I'm constantly focusing on what I'm eating/drinking, how much and how often.  Breast pumps are not exactly soft, pillow-y apparatuses either.  But that's just the physical discomfort... there's the constant stress of: is s/he getting enough to eat? Is working outside the home killing my supply? When am I going to be able to pump today? Can I drink that?  Can I eat that?  Where, while I'm at this event/party/activity/date with my husband will I be able to pump?  Crap, am I leaking through my shirt?  Is this taco going to give the baby gas?  Is this medication going to decrease my supply?  Can I run all 20 errands in the 2 hours that I have between feedings or am I going to have to find a place in public (or retreat to my car) to feed my baby?  Am I wearing appropriate clothing so that I can do so without flashing the old man sitting across from me at the restaurant?

Pregnancy weight will just fall off!  Not much to say on this topic... just wanted to point out that this is NOT the case for everyone.  I had to TRY to lose every pound after the initial birthing weight loss.

So, to sum it up, breastfeeding is a pain in my ass that I really don't like doing... but I continue to do it... because mommy guilt.  I don't know how much longer I'll do it.  My supply had pretty much kicked it by this time with my first, so we'll see what happens with the second...

I can't be the only one, right?  I'm not alone?




P.S.  That linked article pretty much could have been written by me, too.

Aches and Pains

This pregnancy has been a lot harder than my last.  I'm not saying that it's been horrible, as I know that other women go through much worse than I have, but compared to the first time around, this time has kind of sucked.

I don't know it if it has something to do with the long labor/way that Emily came into the world (sunny-side up after 21 hours), but my pelvic area has bothered me for months--relaxin and pelvic separation stuff.  On bad days it feels like I got off a REALLY long horseback ride.  I'm really sore and I can barely walk and/or lift my legs without a lot of pain/discomfort.  On good days, it's like nothings wrong... and then I'll be waddling around and get a sharp pain in my ass (literally) and all of the discomfort comes back.

I'm 34 weeks tomorrow and really hope that this little guy decides to come sooner rather than later.  I figure, Emily was a week late, this one owes me and should get here a week early!  Then I only have to suffer through this for another 5 weeks (ugh).

I've been seeing a chiropractor pretty much from the beginning and I've been doing prenatal yoga to help.  Both have been helpful, but now both can be pretty painful, too.  Sometimes it helps to sit on a heating pad while lounging on the couch, but I don't necessarily feel comfortable shoving a heat pack between my legs at work.  ;)

I'm also a bit concerned about what the labor is going to be like this time around.  If I'm already having such awful discomfort in that area, what's it going to be like when I'm in labor?  I don't feel like I got the "true" labor experience last time around  Between the awful back labor, the hours on the toilet, the pain killers and the epidural, I don't feel like I know what "normal" labor feels like... and then add on this pre-pain... I'm a bit concerned.

Any other mama's out there delivery vaginally after suffering from this pelvic separation stuff?  I'd really love to hear how it went (assuming that the answer is "just fine". lol).

Mirror, Mirror...

The start for this post has been sitting in my drafts for weeks... I keep meaning to get to it, but keep finding other things that I need to do.  Between work, being a mom/wife, and an online class that I am taking this term I have so little time to myself... oh... and also trying to get some exercise.

I want to talk a little bit about body image. The idea of "body image" seems to be all over the place right now. Between the super-fit mom, Dove's 10-year "Real Beauty" campaign, all of this stuff about Lena Dunham and Gabourey Sidibe, the Aerie "Real You" ad campaign... the list goes on and on.  Or, maybe it's not all over any more than normal... but I just started following the Huffington Post and I see it everywhere.  =)

I have always had struggles with my weight and have never really felt physically attractive (because, really, that's what it comes down to when you're young).  I wish that I could have a heart to heart with that 16 year old me who was gorgeous (I look back at photos now and realize how cute I was. lol).

I came to a realization and made a decision about a month ago... and the two may seem somewhat contradictory.  I realized that I was comfortable in my own skin.  I was not as fit/thin as I would have liked to be, but I wasn't unhappy.  My body has done some pretty remarkable things, and I was a healthy, smart, caring, awesome wife/mother/daughter/woman.  I am a good person.

At roughly the same time that I came to this realization, I decided to lose weight.  See?  Seems contradictory doesn't it?  But, here's the thing, I didn't make the decision because I wanted to wear a different size or look good in a swim suit, I made the decision because I wanted to challenge myself to get down to pre-pregnancy weight before having another kid... and then see if I could make healthier decisions with my second pregnancy.  (I have lost all of the "baby" weight from my last pregnancy... it's the "brownie" and "milkshake" weight that is still sticking around).  I'm not doing it for image, I'm doing it for physical health and to reach a physical goal.  I've reach several academic/life goals over the years, but the physical aspect of my life has always been lacking.  P.S.  Just because you're tall, doesn't mean that you are any good at basketball/volleyball!  =)

Right around the same time eMeals came out with a low-calorie meal plan, and I started going to the gym a couple of times a week and started (for the 3rd time) a Couch to 5k workout (ideally I would like to be able to run a 5k this spring--I was never a runner in school and would love to be able to say that I can do it!).  I have always had success when coupling low-cal options and food journaling with cardio.

Like I said, I started this whole thing about a month ago (it was NOT a New Year's Resolution... I started right after Christmas.  Resolutions never work).  So far I have lost somewhere between 10-15 lbs. (and can fit into most of my pre-prego pants!  Score!).  The other day I decided to plug my height/weight into a BMI calculator and see where I stand... and I was pretty damn shocked to say the least.

According to the powers-that-be via the BMI, I am obese.

Now, I know that I have a little extra padding and some junk in my trunk.  But "obese" is NEVER a word that I would have used to describe myself.  Contestants on The Biggest Loser maybe, but it was not a word that I associated with myself.  I am a tall woman.  I carry weight differently.  And, honestly, I was really, really taken aback by this label.

If I would have gotten this "news" as a 16 year old girl, I probably would have cried for days and felt just rotten about myself.  Is this really the message that we want to send?  That just because you hit at a certain point on a chart that there is something to be ashamed of/concerned about?  What about the fact that I don't smoke, have never used any "substances", drink only occasionally, and have never had any issues with blood pressure or anything else concerning to my doctors?  Except for a little roundness, I am a healthy person.

But, apparently, an obese healthy person.

Something needs to change in the way that we express "health" from a weight/body mass point of view.  Heart disease is still the leading cause of death in women (the cause of which has several other factors unrelated to weight... such as family history and smoking), however cancer is trailing behind by less than 2% according to the CDC... and that bitch of a disease doesn't care about a few extra pounds. 

We need to start defining "health" differently.  For the sake of ourselves and those coming after us.

OK... now I just feel like I'm rambling.  I hope that I got my point across... but, at least I got my thoughts out... finally.  =)

Everything's OK

"Our pathologist has found that the lesion removed from your arm is benign.  There is no Cancer."

I got the call during a meeting at work and had to let it go to voicemail.  For the next hour all I could think about was listening to the message. 

Checking my messages after work was when I finally started to panic a bit.  "What if something IS wrong?"  I hadn't allowed myself to go there.  I just focused on the step-by-steps (doctor's appointment, surgery, waiting for the call) and never really thought about the "what ifs".  

I was SO thankful when I heard the message.  I sent Jacob a text, I called my mom... everything is ok.  I didn't screw something up by waiting so long to get the "thing" on my arm checked out.  I wasn't going to need to worry about more "next steps" (except getting the stitches out next week).

When the doctor told me a couple of weeks ago that this "thing" on my arm (that I've had for years) looked like it could be the beginning of cancer (though, not the "bad kind"... what, exactly is the "good" kind of cancer?) I put all of my fear aside and set things in motion.  I scheduled surgery and tried not to think about it for a week.  I laid on a table while they dug into me and cut out a chunk of my arm (and I didn't pass out!  That, in itself is another win!).  And then, for two days, I did my best not to think about the what ifs.

I never, ever want to have to do that again.

Relay for Life!

Didn't occur to me until just now that I never shared our adorable photos from the Eugene Relay for Life a few weeks back.  This was Emily's second Relay, but she was so young last year she slept through most of it.

This year, she couldn't wait to don her tie dye and put some laps on those little legs... and then chill out and cuddle with a teddy bear for awhile. lol

Getting My Sexy Back

Is it just me, or has Justin Timberlake gotten MUCH more attractive as he's gotten older?

Alright, on to the actual post. :)

Since the beginning of July I've been trying to bike to work a couple of times a week (9 miles roundtrip) and have also restarted a Couch to 5k jogging program (I injured myself the last time a tried... really paying attention to my body this time). It's been less than three weeks, and I realized yesterday that my love handles are less handle-y and my baby-tummy is firming up. Its amazing, and I'm so happy.  I'm still about 20 up from my pre- prego weight and would love to get it off and get in better shape before we start trying for number two.

I've been using the Nexercise app to track my workouts. It's been pretty motivating to know that I'm writing it down... I find that I'm holding myself more accountable.  I also signed up for my first ever 5k in September so my goal is very concrete.

What do you all do to motivate yourselves to work out?

What's' for Dinner?

When I was at the chiropractor yesterday she was talking to me about taking on a low Glycemic Index diet, and mentioned that it was important for me to learn and understand what "good" foods were as I was probably the one that has the most impact on my family's diets. 

This startled me.  Not because it's not true... but because it IS.  I do the bulk of the cooking and decision making when it comes to the food that we purchase.  I never really thought about it before, but she's right... when it was just Jacob and I, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about this, but now that Emily is starting to eat more and more solid foods, it made me realize just how much responsibility I have to my daughter to make sure that she is well fed and getting the right kinds of foods.  It's kind of unsettling. lol  I think I'm going to be looking at grocery shopping in a whole new light now... and I'm working on remembering all of the healthy "go-to foods" on the list that I was given.

On that note, I'm starting to run out of ideas of baby-friendly foods... what did you all give your children in the early stages?  Either "baby food" form or "baby-led weaning" form.... I'm open to either, just needing some ideas. =)

Our Bodies, Ourselves

Being pregnant... natural childbirth... breastfeeding...  I knew that my body was going to change.  Some things would get bigger, others would start their journey south, colors would change, new marks would appear... I saw it all coming and have dealt with it.  But what I DIDN'T see coming, and what I wasn't prepared for, was the stress and strain to my muscles and joints. 

I have been in near constant pain since I started going back to work (at least, that's when I first really noticed it).  My back, my neck... hurt.  It's gotten so bad that I can only really sit at my computer in the office for about 20 minutes before I feel the need to crack my neck, twist my back and/or get up and take a lap around the office.  (I think it's gotten even worse since I stopped breastfeeding... no longer biologically required to take a break every couple of hours).

At first I blamed all of the pain on the horrible (non)ergonomics of my work station.  I requested a keyboard tray and suddenly it's become a 3-month long process to get the whole office assessed, get the ok from the higher ups to buy equipment, and then specific items found, ordered and installed (I am still waiting on that keyboard tray).

I've tried massage and acupuncture to relieve some of the tension.  Massage feels great at the time and immediately after, but has had no long-term effects... same with acupuncture.. but it didn't feel nearly as good during the process, so I stopped wasting my sick time for those appointments.  My colleague and husband FINALLY convinced me to go to a chiropractor (I admit, I was pretty petrified... the thought of someone cracking my neck scares the shit out of me), but I went... and am soo glad that I did!

Apparently the root of the problem was likely not my office space (though, it definitely is exacerbating the problem), but rather... breastfeeding.  The strain from the position has caused some unwanted side effects that my chiro is now trying to correct with twice-a-week appointments, cracking, ultrasound, soft tissue work, and, most recently, tape.  Yes, you heard me right.  My back/shoulders/neck have been covered in K Tape (as seen on the Olympics) since Monday.  Super weird.  I've been wearing a lot of scarves. lol  But, here's the funny thing, I am starting to feel better.

On Tuesday, the day after my last appointment, my boss brought me a lumbar support pillow to try... and I don't know if it was the pillow, the most recent round of adjustments, or the tape holding my back/neck together... but I felt WONDERFUL.  I felt like my old self.  I had forgotten what that felt like.  On Wednesday I was a little tender/sore from the chiro on Monday (I seem to skip a day before I get sore) but otherwise it was another good day.  Today I was home with a sick baby, so I can't compare for a third day, but still, those last two days have given me all kinds of hope that maybe, someday soon, I won't have to make sure that I have a bottle of pain pills in my desk drawer at all times.  I can't wait!

Ode to the Boob

It's been almost a month now since I stopped breastfeeding, and I don't know that I could be much happier about my decision.

When I had Em I wasn't sure if I'd be able to breastfeed.  My mom had problems with it (production issues) and I wasn't sure if that was a genetic thing or not, but I wanted to try and figured I'd do it as long I could... not just for the health related reasons, but also because it a whole LOT cheaper!

Emily was a natural breast-feeder and didn't have much trouble latching on at all.  While I was home on my maternity leave, nursing was great.  It was easy, and available and free.  When we would leave the house, I wouldn't have to worry about bringing a bottle/formula because I was biologically prepared.  And, much to my surprise, it was working.  She was gaining weight.  She was happy and healthy.  And, aside from frustration from time to time that I was the only one who could actually feed her, I was doing ok, too.

And then I went back to work... and had to pump.  Pumping is no fun what-so-ever.  It's especially no fun when you have to find the time to do it... on your breaks and lunch... meaning that I got no breaks or lunch... for almost 4 months.  I locked myself in a single bathroom, with harsh lighting and a loud fan for 20 minutes or so 3 times a day.  I FINALLY figured out how to use rubber bands to attach the cups to my nursing bra so I could read a book while I was stuck in there, but it was still an uncomfortable, unnatural, inconvenient activity... but I did it, for my daughter.

And then, one day, somewhere around the 4 month mark, I got an e-mail from our daycare provider that she had run out of milk... and it was only about noon.  I had a mini-meltdown at my desk.  Thankfully, we had some formula packets in the diaper bag as a "just in case" so there was an option available for her last couple afternoon bottles... but she had never had formula before and I didn't know if she'd take the bottle.  I was angry and frustrated that I wasn't able to provide for my daughter.

I was religiously taking fenugreek to help with my supply (SEVEN pills a day), but, even though I started to smell strongly of maple syrup, it did not appear to be helping and I was still quickly running through my freezer stash..so we started to supplement Emily's bottles with 50/50 milk and formula mix.  At first she was a little annoyed, but she took to it, and I continued to feed her when I was able, and pumped at work... but I was pumping less and less every day.

Then one day I forgot my pump at home and went all day without pumping... I realized that I didn't physically NEED to pump anymore (i.e. there was no "uncomfortable" feelings if I didn't do it), and I was able to take an actual lunch break!  I decided that I would stop pumping at work, and try to do it once at night, and again first thing in the morning.

This went on for a couple of weeks until Emily hit what must have been a 6 month growth spurt.  One days she nursed, and nursed, and nursed and was not getting enough to satisfy her.  I felt horrible.  I felt like I wasn't doing my job... and that something was wrong with me.  Finally I succumbed and gave Emily a bottle of formula... and she guzzled that thing down... which made me feel even worse about my own inabilities.

At that point, out of anger and frustration, I told Jacob that I was done.  I couldn't handle the stress of it anymore... but I still continued to nurse about once a day (always supplemented by a bottle directly afterward).  Until, one day, I didn't nurse... and then two days... and then three.  I didn't intentionally stopped, I just kind of forgot about it.  And I am so relieved.

I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  No longer am I the sole food provider.  No longer do I have to worry about what I eat (or drink!) and how it will effect the little one.  No longer do I have to worry/feel guilty when she has bad gas because it must have been my fault for eating the bean burrito for lunch.  No longer do I have ti find a comfortable, somewhat private place to sit down and nurse when I'm in public... I can give her a bottle... anywhere!

For the first 6+ months of her life Emily got at least SOME breast milk, and, for that, I am proud of myself, but I am perfectly happy not to go another 6 months. 

My Poor Baby

This is another post that's been sitting in my "drafts" for months now.  I'm slowly catching up. =)

One night back in late July/early August, Emily kept waking herself up coughing.  When she coughed she acted like she was in pain... not just an annoyance like coughing generally is.  And then she would pass gas, and that appeared to be painful for her as well.  We made it through the night, but the next day Jacob took the day off and took her to the pediatrician.  Turns out she had some kind of stomach bug.  That day, after leaving the doctor, she developed a bit of a fever.  We monitored it, and it didn't get that bad, but she was definitely not her usual self.

This is what I came home to that evening... my poor little girl looking so pathetic. =(  

The next day I stayed home with her.  She was feeling a LOT better, and we probably could have taken her to daycare just fine, but 1) I didn't want to risk getting any of the other kids sick, and 2) I didn't get the chance to cuddle/take care of my sick little girl and kind of felt guilty/jealous/disappointed about it.

I'm not looking forward to the cold/flu season and the inevitable sickness.  =(

3 Weeks Down!

Today marks three weeks from the day that Emily finally greeted us.  In those three weeks I have a learned a lot about biology... both her's, as well as mine.

1. Babies apparently start out with teenage hormones.
• Baby girls experience a small "period" shortly after birth.  We were told this several times before we left the hospital, but were still freaked out a couple of days later when it actually occurred... there was more blood than we anticipated.  We called the pediatrician and were told not the fret, that all was normal.
• Babies get acne.  I knew this, but still I feel bad for Emily right now.  She's got a sort of "pizza face" sort of situation going on right now.  I told Jacob that I felt bad for her... his response, "Why?  She's not as vain as the rest of us right now... give her 12 or 13 years".
2. Not all babies "coo"... some grunt.
• Emily has something known as "Grunting Baby Syndrome".  Apparently this is a real thing... she makes a LOT of noise, a LOT of the time, as though she is constipated.  Apparently this is just her reaction to her inability to figure out how to control her own bowel movements.  She grunts, holds her breath, gets red in the face, and "pushes"... over and over and over again.  Again, the doc says that this is normal and that she's grow out of it.  Granted, it has provided Jacob and I a fair amount of humorous entertainment (she makes some FUNNY noises), but I still feel bad for her.  Our doctor told us that we could "help" by holding her legs up to her torso.  This does "help"--and Jacob gets all kinds of guy-like entertainment out of making her fart over and over and over again.  
3. Little girls can make "fountains" as well.
• 'nough said.
4. Breast milk can come out in spurts... not drips.
• The first time I "leaked" I actually saw it come out... I was more than a little shocked at the power behind my lactation. lol
• Doing a little Googling, I found this information about Forceful Let-Down... I am self-diagnosing myself with this.  Which is interesting as my mother had the opposite problem with me.
5. Speaking of breast milk, some people leak, some people don't and some people (read: this person) can't figure out which category they fall into.  
• I have had a wet-situation maybe half a dozen times... in three weeks.  I do not see this as worth wearing disposable protection every day (as I'm less likely to need them then not), but I also don't want to get stuck in an embarrassing situation. 
6.  Feet swell... AFTER delivery!
• I had a little bit of a swollen foot problem when I was pregnant, but I didn't know how bad it would get after I had actually delivered!  One of the OBs that checked in on me while I was recovering told me "It's going to get worse before it gets better".  And he was right!  I had a hard time walking for about a week since I couldn't really bend at the ankle.  It was HORRIBLE!

I'm sure that I could come up with some more weird biological stuff, but, for now, this will conclude my list (my little one is grunting again and I need to go "help" her with some comical "tooting").

What other weird stuff can all of you other mother's add?

P.S.  Here is the obligatory 3 week growth photo. =)

Baby Vacation

Today was my first official day of maternity leave.  How did I spend it?  Sick on the couch.  =(

What I thought were allergies yesterday has turned into a full blown head cold.  I am REALLY not happy about this.  I was JUST sick... and here it is even closer to my due date (tomorrow!) and I feel like crap again.  Woo!  =P

On another note, it was really weird to not be at work today... and to leave work on Friday knowing that I wasn't coming back until June.  I felt like a kid on the last day of school before summer vacation... and I haven't had a TRUE summer vacation since MAYBE high school.  I've always been either in school, working, or both.  It's really weird to just be sitting around the house waiting for "something" to happen.  I would have liked to be a bit more productive today, but, feeling as gross as I did I didn't get much (anything) done.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to do a few small tasks that I've been putting off.

What I Thought I Knew

I've always been a fan of school.  Even after I graduated with my BA I kind of missed it... so I went back.   I'm a bit of a nerd like that. =)  So, when we found out that we were having a baby, I wasted no time is checking out the classes offered at the hospital where I'll be delivering (and where I get a discount on said classes with my health insurance!).  I signed up for a 4-week child birth prep course, and two single-day classes in newborn care and breast feeding.

When I pictured a child birth prep class I had images in my head that I must of picked up from TV and the movies.  Mom's on the floor sitting on a pillow leaning up against Dad who is coaching her through breathing techniques. (You know what I'm talking about!) I wasn't really sure how this could possibly last for four weeks.  Thankfully, that stereotypical images was FAR from what we experienced!

While the class did cover some relaxation and breathing techniques, we also learned all about stages of labor, when to go to the hospital, what to be looking for/thinking about when your water breaks, all about different pain medications and birthing positions, as well as other items/procedures that may come in to play in the delivery room.  It was VERY informative and I was VERY happy that we took the class.  (Our last class was last Thursday, and we also got to take a tour of the maternity ward so we knew where to go when the time comes and I could see where I'd be spending a couple of days).

The problem with the class (and watching a movie that SOO many of my friends recommended:  The Business of Being Born), is that it started to make me rethink everything that I thought I knew and wanted.  I am NOT a fan of being in pain.  I always thought that I'd go in, get an epidural, pop out a kid and everything would be a-okay.  I also kind of thought that if the baby didn't come within a couple days of her due date, that I'd just make an appointment for an induction.  Now, however,  I am seriously considering trying to do this thing naturally.  I am NOT closing off the option to get an epidural, but I have down in my birth plan, that I'd like to try other things first and see how long I can go without needing one.  And, as far as induction goes, I know that it could become "medically necessary" but the idea of using pitocin scares the beejeezus out of me!

This new change in my thought process is super scary for me.  I'm one who likes to be in control of things and be able to ask questions/understand answers.  I know that when I'm in labor I'm going to have to totally give myself over to the experience and trust others to ask questions and help me make decisions.  Enter our doula.  Yes.  We decided to go with one.  Jacob really liked the idea of having someone with training by our side the whole way, and someone who could explain things/advocate for us when we're otherwise occupied. =)

Our due date is only a few short weeks away... I'm getting more and more scared/nervous/panicky/fill-in-the-blank as the days go on.  Of course I'm excited/curious/anxious, too, but I feel like the less-positive emotions are taking the bigger toll on me right now.

And now I feel like I've been rambling and totally gotten off track from my original point... I loved my child birth class.  I suggest taking one.

To Doula or Not to Doula?

I never thought that I'd be considering having a doula.  I don't have anything against the practice, it's just not something that I pictured for myself.  I always associated doula with "non-traditional" types of birth practices (in the water, at home, etc., etc.), and I'm very much a traditional, in a hospital with a doctor kind of girl.  But then I started talked to other pregnant ladies... one of which pointed me toward a doula certification school where the student doulas actually work pro bono.  Then I started to think about it.  Free is always good... especially if I'm not sure if I'm not sure about the whole thing.  So, I sent an e-mail to the school, and one of the students responded.  Jacob and I met with her today.

I was kind of surprised by her.. but in a good way.  =)  Again, my stereotypes and preconceived notions were thrown to the wayside when she showed up with wearing a classy ponytail, an argyle cardigan and a pencil skirt.  She kind of looked like I do when I go to work. lol  She was very nice, and seems like she may be a good fit, personality wise, but she did encourage us to interview other doulas so that we could be sure to pick the best match for us.

Jacob says that he likes the idea of having a doula there... to help and keep him calm when he starts to freak out. lol  But, I'm still not sure.  I really don't know what's holding me up.  Maybe it's the thought of having a "stranger" in the room with us... or just another body in general.  I always pictured it as just Jacob and myself in there (with doctor of course).  I don't know.  I am such a control freak like being in control of my situation and perhaps I'm concerned that having someone else there may impede upon my ability to advocate for myself.  But, at the same time, I may just NEED someone to advocate for me or tell me what to do to make things more comfortable/run smoothly.   I'm starting to realize that I have soo many questions/concerns that I don't feel like I have (an un-biased) someone who can answer (neither Jacob nor I have been through this before after all!)

I don't know.  Thoughts??  Comments??  Anyone out there use a doula??

One for the Record Books

This has been the best weekend that I've had in quite a long time... why?  Because I didn't do ANYTHIING!

Well, that's not exactly true.  I did get all dressed up on Friday night and went out dancing with the girls (that was pretty amazing and was a long time coming), but Jacob and I didn't have anything planned for yesterday or today.

A little pre-party self-photo shoot. =)

On the dance floor with my girls!

 
Our weekends have been booked for months now it seems, with either household projects, trips out of town, and, for the last couple of months, Sunday afternoon softball games (we joined a league for the spring).  These activities are, in themselves, greatly enjoyable, but they add up.  And after months of not getting a weekend to simply relax and "reboot", I can really start to feel the effects.

This weekend I sat outside and read a book, I went browsing at a craft store, I watched a movie and did a little laundry, I worked on art projects and organizational projects that I've been putting off doing... but, most importantly, I didn't have a to-do list, or something on my calendar, and it felt great!  Right now I'm sitting outside in my new lounger (bought yesterday when I realized I didn't have anything to sit in when I had time to relax and read a book outside! lol) looking out at my backyard, feeling the nice summer breeze (finally!) and listening to the birds chirp.  This is bliss.

Next weekend Jacob and I headed to the coast to go camping with a few friends.  I'm thankful for both the fact that it's a long weekend, and that I will be forced to not do anything for a few days as I sit around a campsite, read a book, walk on the beach and watch the fireworks.  It will also be the anniversary of Jacob's proposal... and soon our wedding anniversary will be here.  I have some great plans in celebration of that, but that's for another day. =)

Long Time No Type...

It's been awhile since I posted.  Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive.  I took a nice, long four-day weekend last week for no reason what-so-ever except to simple have a vacation where I didn't have to DO anything.  I was planning to blog during that time, but, well, I didn't. =)

It was fantastic to have some time to relax.  Whenever I take a "vacation" from work, it's because I'm actually GOING on vacation.  Which, often times, actually includes more stress than a regular day at the office.  I've been feeling a bit tense the last few weeks (BIG presentation that I had to help put together, then a couple of scary incidents at/around work (not used to finding out after the fact that someone had a gun within 20 feet of me...)).  I decided that, since Jacob and I aren't planning any long summer trips, and I had some vacation time built up, that I would just take a couple days to myself. 

I did some reading... I started the first season of True Blood (can't decide what I think about that show...)... I caught up on some TV shows... I did some shopping that I've been wanting to do but haven't had the time/energy to do on the weekends or after work.  I think I roamed around Big Lots for a couple hours.  I don't know that I've ever actually shopped in that store before.  I will definitely be going back!  I went to visit Jacob on his lunch break at work and we were out for frozen yogurt.  I planted my starter seeds for my veggie garden.

It was a good, good break.

And then I went back to work on Monday.

And Tuesday I was sick.

Still working on getting over this cold, I just hope it's done before the weekend, 'cause I'm hosting Easter dinner for about 2 dozen people and would really like to be able to make it through the meal without a cough attack.

(Though, the coughing did prove helpful today when I was only the phone with a client who I didn't really want to talk to... ;) )