For the last couple of weeks, on and off, I've been wishing that my blog was anonymous. That people I know weren't reading it... so that I could feel free to be completely open and honest and express myself without having to think about what others may think/how they will respond, etc., etc. But today, I just need a space to vent... so I'm saying screw it. I just ask that if you do read it, please don't comment with things like "it will get better" or try to offer solutions... I'm not writing this to get my problems fixed or to gain sympathy, I just need to let it out and be heard.
For the past several weeks (maybe even months) I have not been happy. I have not been myself. This is not to say that I have been "sad" necessarily... just not feeling fulfilled or "right" with my current life situation (with maybe a few bits of "sadness" mixed in there, too).
My whole world changed when Emily was born... or, rather, I entered an entirely new world. A world of being a mother... no... not even that... the world of being a working mother. On average, during the work week I see my daughter for just over one hour every day. I spend 50 hours a week either working or commuting and 5-6 hours during that same time period with my daughter. I spend TEN TIMES more time with my clients and coworkers than I spend with my daughter Monday through Friday. This KILLS me. And, at the same time, it's completely destroyed my desire to have a social life.
I don't WANT to meet anyone after work for a happy hour drink because it means that I lose that hour with Emily. On the weekends, when I get TWO full days (really only about 16 hours total) with my little girl I don't want to do anything else with anyone else. Here is where another problem stems... I'm a very social person. I love to spend time with friends, go to movies, happy hour, coffee, whatever... but as a mother, and as a 40+ hour/week working mother, I seem to have lost all of the friends that I once had, and have not had the time/ability to make new ones...leaving me feeling quite lonely.
My parents came up to visit last weekend. After they left I admitted to Jacob that sometimes I wish that we'd never bought a house because I feel like we are trapped here... and how some times I think about moving back down to Eugene... where my support system is. My parents, my brothers, my "sisters"... my family and old friends. My old friends who now have kids of their own, some of whom work as well... people who know me and can relate with what I'm feeling/experiencing. I don't have that support here in Portland. Though I love the city, and don't really want to leave, I can't help but think about how life would be different 100 miles south.
I really hope that I can blame a chunk of this unhappiness on the weather and other seasonal factors (maybe things will look up in a few weeks with daylight savings), but I feel like I need to make a bigger life change in order to have the life that I want to have. And that thought is very, very scary to me right now.