Not a Good Day

(This is one of a series of scheduled posts that I've written since I found out that Jacob and I were expecting our first child.  The original composition date is included below).


Sept. 27

I feel fat and gross. 

I’m having a really hard time with this weight gain stuff.  I’ve struggled with my weight for years.  I was at my worst a couple of years ago and was able to use the upcoming wedding as motivation to get my ass in gear and start taking care of myself.  I lost roughly 30 pounds between the time that I purchased my wedding dress and the day that I wore it (I needed to get it taken in, when it actually started out being too small!).  I was so proud of myself!  Over the course of the year after the wedding I gained back right around 10 pounds.  At 5’10”, you couldn’t really see it on me that much.  And I was still happy… and my weight was staying steady (if not my ideal, at least I wasn’t gaining more!).

And then I got pregnant, and for two weeks or so I was STARVING ALL THE TIME!  I didn’t necessarily eat a lot of BAD food (sure, there was some cookies and chips, but I was still conscious about what I was putting into my body), but I ate a lot MORE than usual, and a lot of carbs (carbs are “quick food” friendly… at the office at 3 PM, what’s available to eat?  How about a bagel or a bag of pita chips?).  Thankfully my appetite has suppressed a bit, but I still feel like I gained a lot more weight during the first few weeks of my pregnancy than I should have because of it.  I’m up about 7 pounds… and it’s only week 11.  But again, I’m tall and I don’t think it’s THAT noticeable to the casual observer, but I see it.  My thighs and butt have gotten bigger, and I feel like I’m getting the horrid back-fat back. =(  I may just be overly sensitive, but I’m HATING it!  I want so badly to start “dieting” again (calorie counting/portion control… still eat what I want, just in smaller portions) so that I can take off a few pounds… but, I know that I can’t… that I need to be watching out for two people now instead of just myself.  So, I’m (quite literally) sitting on this extra weight for the next several months. 

I’m still trying to be careful about what I eat, and not eat a lot of “empty” foods, and I’m more conscious about the exercise/movement that I’m getting (which has been easier lately as I don’t feel like crap all of the time any more), but it’s still a real bummer to step on that scale and see a number that I vowed I’d never see again (I forgot to give myself the pregnancy-caveat).

OK…. I feel a little better having vented.